People who always say break up first, except for scum, usually have these 3 difficulties behind

time:2023-01-30 05:06:59 author:Single woman
People who always say break up first, except for scum, usually have these 3 difficulties behind

Some time ago, I received a lady for consultation. She has a beautiful face and gained a certain social status and resources through her hard work. She is independent and not tangled in her personality. But the strange thing is that she has been in love several times. Each time, when the relationship has progressed and she is about to talk about marriage with the other party, she is driven by an incomprehensible force and pushes the other party away. Take the initiative to break up. If it was like this once or twice, this lady did it again and again. When she recalled her ex-boyfriends, she didn't make any mistakes, and the conditions were a good match for her, but she just couldn't establish a long-term deep connection with people. And every time she ran away and changed her boyfriend frequently, she also felt a sense of shame, feeling like a "female sea king" and "scumbag". But next time, she couldn't avoid this happening again. "Am I really naturally inferior to others? Am I unable to find a marriage partner at all? I can only play with feelings?" The lady asked me helplessly. Not only women, but many men are also plagued by this problem. If a man keeps changing girlfriends frequently, he will never end up with anyone, and every time he changes a new girlfriend, he will feel bored after not dating for a long time. Either directly mention the breakup, or deal with it coldly, and leave this opportunity to the other party, so that the other party does not know where he is wrong, then this person's "scumbag" hat is a certainty. But who is willing to be a born "scumbag" and "scumbag", to be judged and cast aside by all the world? Who wants to be always looking for love, but has never been able to find the love that is truly yearning in the heart? Who wants to be lonely and lonely in the heart, no one has ever really approached and accepted it? Some attribute the cause to the outside world. Either you think that you are unlucky and that the people you meet every time are not good, or that "there is no good man in the world", or you think that it is normal to be bored with the same person for too long, and there is no freshness, so you don't want to continue. In fact, these reasons are very superficial and superficial, and the occurrence of this phenomenon once or twice may be the problem of the other party. But when this happens repeatedly, it must be that some complexes in oneself have not been resolved, some attachments have not been let go, and inward exploration is the only way to truly get out of this "weird circle". 01

I always mention breaking up first because I am afraid of being abandoned

Most people think that they are afraid of being abandoned by the other party, the correct posture Isn't it hard to maintain and manage this relationship, so that the other party can fall in love with you, can't you be inseparable from yourself? But there is a class of people who deal with this feeling in the opposite way, because they are afraid of being abandoned and instead abandon the other person first. Like the woman who came for counseling at the beginning of the article, when I did a hypnosis for her, going back to my own childhood, we discovered something. When she was two or three years old, her mother was already very busy at work. She was taken care of by her grandmother at home, but she still needed her mother to accompany her very much. Every time her mother went to work, she would stick to her mother and not let her go. The mother who was going to work had no choice or patience to appease her, so she could only push her away again and again, or sneak out while she was not paying attention. When she came out and saw that her mother had left, she had to cry. But her grandma told her: Mom wants to make money, mom doesn't want you anymore, you follow grandma well, which makes her cry even more sad. This fear of being abandoned penetrated into the depths of her subconscious and made her feel unbearable. She thought it was the most painful thing in the world. In the relationship, when she finds a very suitable marriage partner and gets along with each other deeply, she will suddenly feel the same feeling that her mother abandoned her back then, and she is very afraid of being abandoned by the other party. At this time, she began to act and make trouble, deliberately making the other party unhappy, and the other party was hurt by her actions, so naturally she no longer gave her a good face, which also strengthened her judgment that she would definitely be abandoned by the other party. When the relationship reaches this tug-of-war stage, she will do it first, take the initiative to break up, and abandon the other party one step ahead. Then, the possibility of being abandoned was strangled in the cradle, and she no longer needed to be tortured by this fear, because she became the one who abandoned others first. 02

I am afraid that the other party will not be able to accept their true self

A deep relationship must be both parties who have become their true self. Maybe when you first meet, you will show the good side of yourself, be humble and polite, consider each other, be smart, and be willing to give for each other. But with the passage of time and the deepening of the relationship between the two people, there will always be something less beautiful, but I am afraid that the real personality will be revealed. This hidden real personality is called "shadow personality" in psychology. For example, a person who always talks about "it's okay" and "casually", maybe she also wants to fight for her own interests and act according to her own wishes. But in this way, she will not be so great and selfless, and she will put a "selfish" label on herself. And selfishness, which was not allowed in her childhood, was a quality that her parents resolutely resented her. Maybe a person always behaves generously and politely in front of others, but he is actually very concerned about some small things, and he dare not say it, so he can only secretly slander. When you can't be true to yourself and express your true thoughts in childhood, you will feel ashamed of your true self when you grow up, thinking that your partner must be as incapable of accepting your true self as your parents. And the relationship has reached a certain stage, and it is impossible to maintain the generosity, selflessness and excellence on the face. Just like some people may be casual about what to eat and what to wear, and let the other party go, and as a result, step by step out of their own boundaries, it is easy to attract the other party to constantly violate their own boundaries. Until some unbearable bottom lines are also violated by the other party, such as property, house, etc., no matter how good-tempered people are, they can't calm down. When she fights and defends for her own interests, it is very different from the generous and selfless character before. So in order to maintain your own personality and prevent your true self from being despised by the other party, you can only directly disconnect this relationship, and don't let your true self be seen by the other party at all. 03

Lack of confidence and skills in business relationships

It is not difficult to find someone and attract a person's interest and love, but business relationships are completely different subjects. In the eyes of many people, if you are good enough, good-looking, knowledgeable, smart, and wealthy, you can attract a good person. This is not the case with long-term relationships. Whether a person can manage a good relationship is not necessarily related to whether a person is good or beautiful. It's about whether a person can empathize with each other, understand each other, and at the same time defend his own boundaries. This is not an easy homework. Many people will either pay and please each other endlessly, constantly surrender their boundaries, lose themselves, and let themselves be swallowed up, or they will hurt each other and use cruel words and actions to stimulate other side. In order for both parties to get along happily for a long time, and to deal with conflicts and differences peacefully, it is necessary to deeply study and understand their own psychology and the psychology of the other party, learn communication skills, achieve effective communication, and be able to handle and see their own emotions. ...This requires in-depth study of various psychology, emotional courses, and communication skills. It requires letting go of the obsession with seeking outward, being willing to spend energy on yourself, and changing the habits that have been formed over decades. The habit of speaking hurtful words. However, cutting off the relationship directly, abandoning the person and starting over with someone else is the easiest option in comparison. But this seems to be the easiest path, often the hardest, because it means you'll never find the key to a real relationship. A truly intimate and profound relationship can heal us to a great extent. To obtain such a beautiful relationship, we must work hard. When you find that you are always unable to maintain a long-term intimate relationship, don't rush to judge yourself as "scum", and don't accuse the other party of being wrong. Instead, dig out the most fearful place in your heart, the most real thoughts, and learn the skills of managing relationships. This is the solution to changing the cycle. It's a "road less traveled" and it doesn't look easy, but it's a road that will bring us great gifts. In addition to knowledge and income, spiritual and personality growth is more important. When we learn to live with ourselves, we naturally learn to live with the world. Author | Zhi Shui Healer, holds the Chinese Academy of Sciences psychological counselor qualification certificate, IHNMA international hypnotist qualification certificate, dedicated to exploring the depth and greatness of human nature. The illustrations in this article, any website, newspaper, TV station, company, organization or individual, may not be used in part or in whole without authorization.

(Responsible editor:Rich young woman)

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